So I've decided to dip my toes in to the sea of dating again.
It's amazing! I've had at least 60 men wanting to get to know me. I'm being mindful of the fact that some of them aren't genuine.
Having had my diagnosis of Bipolar it's made me very cautious of fraudsters and con artists.
My bipolar seems to be stable at the moment.
I will keep you all updated as to what's going on in my life.
Hi to everyone who reads my blog or watches my YouTube videos.
I've had a rough couple of weeks stabilising my bipolar but it seems I'm almost at the top of this particular mountain.
I'm in a much better place with the help of my family, friends and the care team I'm under.
I'm now living on my own as my husband and I agreed to a separation. We are still good friends after all the things that have happened.
I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact I will never be well enough to go back to work with the arthritis and the suspected Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.
I've spoken before about this very little known rare genetic disorder.
The 15th of May cant come soon enough. I'm back to rehearsing my singing and have uploaded some videos of me singing.
I'm now 6 months free from smoking and losing weight by myself without medical help.
I'm having more and more OK days and I'm happy with that.
As some of you know by reading my blog that I've had some horrible experiences with side effects with my meds.
I had a meeting with a consultant psychiatrist who has given me a great medication that's now counteracting the horrible side effects of haloperidol. It's called procyclidine
I can now type properly. Hold a good conversation with my family and just feel generally calmer.
I cannot tell you in words how much better I feel already and I'm only one dose in.
Today started off being a terrible day but I'm finishing the day on a better note.
Finally really starting to get the old Rachael back which is what I've wanted since leaving hospital.
It's going to be ok now in my own mind and my own body I now feel like I can just carry on being this way as this is what a normal day for me should feel like.
So I'm having a bad day with side effects from the medication they've got me on for the bipolar.
I've been out today on my own to a meeting at the job centre to sort out a claim for universal credit.
It took all the strength I had just to walk through the door. But I managed it by myself.
I've got another meeting tomorrow with my care coordinator and mental health team.
Today is just a bump in the road. I'll be resting up the rest of today.
So I now know I'm getting my life back. I'm able to do a little light housework on a daily basis.
Finally getting my life back after having a husband who wouldn't allow me to do much around the house due to pain and fatigue.
I do miss him as a friend but realise now how much of my independence had gone.
Giving up work was the best thing I have done for my quality of life. I now have more energy to just do day to day tasks. Even if it's only just putting the Hoover around or doing the dishes.
My bipolar seems to be under control with the new medications.
So finally the new tablets are really beginning to work.
I like feeling Normal for a change.
Those of you without bipolar or a chronic disease wouldn't really understand how good it is to just feel like you're having a normal day.
I will keep up these posts and video diaries because it keeps me positive and aware that I can have normal days like everyone else.
That's it for today
So today I decided to have a ME day.
I've cleaned the bathroom which may not sound alot but with my pain levels and the Ehlers danlos just getting out of bed some days is an achievement.
The new tablets they've given me to counteract the side effects of the haloperidol seem to be working.
So heres to hoping I can do a little more tomorrow but I'm not going to punish myself if I cant do too much at once. I will get this flat straight with help from my family and friends.
Heres hoping for another normal feeling day tomorrow. The more I have the more I'm convinced I can have a normal kind of life again.
Went to a bipolar class today and met some other people local to me who have bipolar.
It's interesting how similar our manic episodes actually are.
I felt like I was in some reality TV show where someone had reprogrammed my brain somehow.
I also had posted a video on Facebook thinking I was in my own zombie apocalypse. That's when I knew I really needed help from the professionals.
I look back on it now and laugh but at the time it was so real to me and must have been scary for my friends and family around me.
I'm going to be going to a local support group next month.
Until then I'm going to research my condition as much as I can in the hope that one day I might be able to become an advocate for others with the disorder.
So today is the first day in a few months where I've felt Normal.
Having an ok day is actually a good thing.
I'm neither up nor down.
I hope to have many more days like today when I just have an OK day
So I cant seem to find my original post about my families traumatic past.
Let me first say this My family and I have mended our bridges and are now reunited after my last hospitalisation.
30 years ago my parents made a selfless decision to give a home to a troubled young man.
Now what they didnt know was he was a known predator and social services were completely aware of this particular young mans past.
For a number of years he stayed with my family. Unfortunately he turned his attentions to my sister and I.
Unfortunately he was a sexual predator and raped and abused myself and my little sister.
This has led to me having a very turbulent mental health situation throughout my teenage and adult years.
He was removed from our house as my sister had alerted my parents to what he had been doing. Because my parents thought we had been through enough they chose not to have us examined by a police surgeon.
This decision left us in a position that social services just dropped my family with absolutely no support and 2 severely traumatised children.
30 years on I took part in an independant enquiry in to social service failings. I get a phone call from the police who are now 30 years on conducting the enquiry that should have happened then.
The only thing is now social services are being difficult with coming up with the records. But I will not let this stop me. Because once the criminal side has been dealt with I fully intend to take a civil case out against them.
So that's where the case is up to at the moment
So today has been a more productive day. I've been out for an early breakfast in the park.
I went to a very close family friends for a coffee and catch up. Held her beautiful snakes.
We then went to lunch in town and did a bit of shopping.
I've decided to do a vlog alongside this blog now.
I'm now resting with my beautiful cats on the sofa watching TV shows thinking that a take away would be nice for tea.
Just got to take each day as it comes from now on.
But today's been a good day
So I thought I would feel better having a diagnosis. But I'm a ball of knotted up emotions.
Scared that family or friends can section me at any minute not that I think they would unless they had good reason to.
Crisis team came to visit today and I got tearful. Scared of the future. Suddenly feeling so alone as no one I know has bipolar.
I know I shouldnt be scared but being in a mental hospital does that to you.
One day at a time and one battle at a time.
Getting back to some kind of normal life is first on my agenda. Spending time with friends and family.
So I've been formally discharged from hospital.
I cant believe the difference in treatment. One unit had no idea what was wrong with me and treated me so badly I'm still hurting even now.
This other hospital treated me with dignity and finally gave me a diagnosis. Bipolar spectrum disorder.
Something I've more than likely had since I was a teenager.
I've never felt better in years but taking each day slowly so I dont relapse.
I still cant believe that mental health in the UK is still treated so badly and such a shortage of beds in the country.
I'm still waiting to hear about my historical abuse case but once the criminal case has concluded I fully intend to bring a civil case against social services as the abuse has been the biggest contributor to my bipolar spectrum disorder.
Today has been a good day. Just one day at a time so far.
So I'm home on leave from hospital finally.
Got to see my precious cats and to find out I've lost my job.
Not a huge surprise as two admissions to mental health hospitals in the past two months kind of makes you a little unreliable.
Doesn't matter that I work for a disability charity and given nearly 20 years of my life to caring for those with learning disabilities and complex mental health issues.
Also the fact that my boss thought a hot kitchen was a safe environment for a known epileptic to work was a tad short sighted.
I have highlighted and blown the whistle on failures in the care system. Especially with in mental health and the severely poor treatment I received in a British Mental Health Facility in the UK where my physical needs were totally disregarded by those in charge of my care.
I will be fully discharged from the service yet again but at least this time I was actually treated with the respect and dignity I deserved this time.
The UK social care as a whole is a complete and utter shambles and feel it necessary to keep bringing it up till it changes
Why Women Cry
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.
"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.
Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"
God said, "When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,
yet gentle enough to give comfort.
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
Author: Unknown
So as most of you know I've recently had an incredibly tough time with mental health.
I was first sectioned under a section 2 which is my family fearing that I was a danger to myself. Now upon looking back I can see how they perceived my political actions as somewhat dangerous.
I fought the system and won. However this triggered a dangerous turn of events that unfortunately I lost control of.
On one side it appeared funny and quirky at first. But the deeper I delved in to my traumatic past the more dangerous it became. I was taking risks with my health and with those around me. I hadn't thought about the impact on my family of my story becoming so public. I maintain I did it for the right reasons. To raise awareness of a little known neurological disorder and how this little girl wants to be a singer one day.
A little girl who at the age of 9 had to grow up to be a woman because of the actions of a real life monster. The demon with yellow eyes that chased me about a boat with a meat cleaver. Kids imaginations eh.
But sadly he is very real and still alive living very close to where I do. Hence the historical sexual abuse case.
The only apology I will make is how I hurt those people who are trying to help me. So for now I'm in hospital resting up. Eventually I will be sipping a sex on the beach with the cast of supernatural or a ride in Baby down route 66 I'm not fussy lol 😉
But for now I'm content being me.....whoever the hell she is today lol 😈💜🤷♀️😇
So today I decided to take a leap of faith and go to the seafront in Weston-Super-Mare.
I was reticent at first but meeting people and just saying hello and chatting was a fantastic boost to my confidence.
I'm making new memories all the time. I wont forget my past but what I can do is use it to drive me forward.
My past is giving me the strength to fight even harder.
I will never stay silent. People will challenge my resolve but that's ok. That speaks volumes about their own insecurities in life not mine.
Everyday is a fight for me. Fighting the physical pain and pushing myself a bit further every day.
I'm determined I will never lose my independence again. But now know when to ask for help.
That's the daily fight all of us have. Knowing when to ask and accept help when its offered to us. We need to be cautious of course because if they're a stranger to you and they are very forward and pushing the help on you we have to question their agenda.
Be kind to yourself. Others will follow your example. I have proven this by using social media to throw light on to subjects that we find distasteful or that makes us angry.
I have people daily say I'm a beautiful kind soul. And that means more to me than any song lyrics or piece of art could ever do.
Live your truth and you become a beacon to others.
Today I've seen my brother. Someone I met whilst in hospital. He is doing so well and I'm so proud of him.
I've been to see my social worker who is really pleased with my progress. But has reminded me to be kind to myself.
I'm still learning what I can and cannot do.
The anger I had for my family has turned in to sadness. Sadness that they've listened to an abusive man and not their own daughter. Ive said some horrible things but so have they.
I do hope that they find it in their hearts to really listen to me and understand that our family is so badly broken.
I will never give up hope. They're my family. But until they accept help then we cannot have a relationship.
For now I'm enjoying being single again. Enjoying the freedom to choose what I want to do.
I've started legal investigations in to the care I received in hospital. I hope that by sharing my experience that others will benefit from it.
Small steps lead to giant leaps. People who know me say how well I'm looking which is a huge boost to my confidence.
I know I'm living my truth. The path isn't easy and sometimes we have to do it alone. But I have faith in myself. Faith in the fact I'm doing what's best for me.
So for the first time in 13 years I'm getting control back of my own future.
I'm making great friends all the time on Facebook and using it for what I consider is the right thing.
Raising awareness and supporting our friends and family.
I am also using this platform to promote my friends small businesses. Hoping that they will expand and become successful.
I'm hoping that by doing this we can take control away from big business and banks.
I think it's disgusting that banks charge you to put your own money in an account.
The charges are extortionate at times. I'm going to be switching from my bank. I'm also going on price comparison sites to shop around and save money.
The only way big business and government representatives are going to learn is by us taking back control from them.
I am not afraid of the authorities as I've done nothing illegal. Calling out these businesses is very important. As consumers we have the power not them.
