So I've decided to dip my toes in to the sea of dating again.
It's amazing! I've had at least 60 men wanting to get to know me. I'm being mindful of the fact that some of them aren't genuine.
Having had my diagnosis of Bipolar it's made me very cautious of fraudsters and con artists.
My bipolar seems to be stable at the moment.
I will keep you all updated as to what's going on in my life.
Hi to everyone who reads my blog or watches my YouTube videos.
I've had a rough couple of weeks stabilising my bipolar but it seems I'm almost at the top of this particular mountain.
I'm in a much better place with the help of my family, friends and the care team I'm under.
I'm now living on my own as my husband and I agreed to a separation. We are still good friends after all the things that have happened.
I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact I will never be well enough to go back to work with the arthritis and the suspected Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.
I've spoken before about this very little known rare genetic disorder.
The 15th of May cant come soon enough. I'm back to rehearsing my singing and have uploaded some videos of me singing.
I'm now 6 months free from smoking and losing weight by myself without medical help.
I'm having more and more OK days and I'm happy with that.
As some of you know by reading my blog that I've had some horrible experiences with side effects with my meds.
I had a meeting with a consultant psychiatrist who has given me a great medication that's now counteracting the horrible side effects of haloperidol. It's called procyclidine
I can now type properly. Hold a good conversation with my family and just feel generally calmer.
I cannot tell you in words how much better I feel already and I'm only one dose in.
Today started off being a terrible day but I'm finishing the day on a better note.
Finally really starting to get the old Rachael back which is what I've wanted since leaving hospital.
It's going to be ok now in my own mind and my own body I now feel like I can just carry on being this way as this is what a normal day for me should feel like.
So I'm having a bad day with side effects from the medication they've got me on for the bipolar.
I've been out today on my own to a meeting at the job centre to sort out a claim for universal credit.
It took all the strength I had just to walk through the door. But I managed it by myself.
I've got another meeting tomorrow with my care coordinator and mental health team.
Today is just a bump in the road. I'll be resting up the rest of today.
So I now know I'm getting my life back. I'm able to do a little light housework on a daily basis.
Finally getting my life back after having a husband who wouldn't allow me to do much around the house due to pain and fatigue.
I do miss him as a friend but realise now how much of my independence had gone.
Giving up work was the best thing I have done for my quality of life. I now have more energy to just do day to day tasks. Even if it's only just putting the Hoover around or doing the dishes.
My bipolar seems to be under control with the new medications.
So finally the new tablets are really beginning to work.
I like feeling Normal for a change.
Those of you without bipolar or a chronic disease wouldn't really understand how good it is to just feel like you're having a normal day.
I will keep up these posts and video diaries because it keeps me positive and aware that I can have normal days like everyone else.
That's it for today
So today I decided to have a ME day.
I've cleaned the bathroom which may not sound alot but with my pain levels and the Ehlers danlos just getting out of bed some days is an achievement.
The new tablets they've given me to counteract the side effects of the haloperidol seem to be working.
So heres to hoping I can do a little more tomorrow but I'm not going to punish myself if I cant do too much at once. I will get this flat straight with help from my family and friends.
Heres hoping for another normal feeling day tomorrow. The more I have the more I'm convinced I can have a normal kind of life again.
Went to a bipolar class today and met some other people local to me who have bipolar.
It's interesting how similar our manic episodes actually are.
I felt like I was in some reality TV show where someone had reprogrammed my brain somehow.
I also had posted a video on Facebook thinking I was in my own zombie apocalypse. That's when I knew I really needed help from the professionals.
I look back on it now and laugh but at the time it was so real to me and must have been scary for my friends and family around me.
I'm going to be going to a local support group next month.
Until then I'm going to research my condition as much as I can in the hope that one day I might be able to become an advocate for others with the disorder.
So today is the first day in a few months where I've felt Normal.
Having an ok day is actually a good thing.
I'm neither up nor down.
I hope to have many more days like today when I just have an OK day
So I cant seem to find my original post about my families traumatic past.
Let me first say this My family and I have mended our bridges and are now reunited after my last hospitalisation.
30 years ago my parents made a selfless decision to give a home to a troubled young man.
Now what they didnt know was he was a known predator and social services were completely aware of this particular young mans past.
For a number of years he stayed with my family. Unfortunately he turned his attentions to my sister and I.
Unfortunately he was a sexual predator and raped and abused myself and my little sister.
This has led to me having a very turbulent mental health situation throughout my teenage and adult years.
He was removed from our house as my sister had alerted my parents to what he had been doing. Because my parents thought we had been through enough they chose not to have us examined by a police surgeon.
This decision left us in a position that social services just dropped my family with absolutely no support and 2 severely traumatised children.
30 years on I took part in an independant enquiry in to social service failings. I get a phone call from the police who are now 30 years on conducting the enquiry that should have happened then.
The only thing is now social services are being difficult with coming up with the records. But I will not let this stop me. Because once the criminal side has been dealt with I fully intend to take a civil case out against them.
So that's where the case is up to at the moment
So today has been a more productive day. I've been out for an early breakfast in the park.
I went to a very close family friends for a coffee and catch up. Held her beautiful snakes.
We then went to lunch in town and did a bit of shopping.
I've decided to do a vlog alongside this blog now.
I'm now resting with my beautiful cats on the sofa watching TV shows thinking that a take away would be nice for tea.
Just got to take each day as it comes from now on.
But today's been a good day
So I thought I would feel better having a diagnosis. But I'm a ball of knotted up emotions.
Scared that family or friends can section me at any minute not that I think they would unless they had good reason to.
Crisis team came to visit today and I got tearful. Scared of the future. Suddenly feeling so alone as no one I know has bipolar.
I know I shouldnt be scared but being in a mental hospital does that to you.
One day at a time and one battle at a time.
Getting back to some kind of normal life is first on my agenda. Spending time with friends and family.
So I've been formally discharged from hospital.
I cant believe the difference in treatment. One unit had no idea what was wrong with me and treated me so badly I'm still hurting even now.
This other hospital treated me with dignity and finally gave me a diagnosis. Bipolar spectrum disorder.
Something I've more than likely had since I was a teenager.
I've never felt better in years but taking each day slowly so I dont relapse.
I still cant believe that mental health in the UK is still treated so badly and such a shortage of beds in the country.
I'm still waiting to hear about my historical abuse case but once the criminal case has concluded I fully intend to bring a civil case against social services as the abuse has been the biggest contributor to my bipolar spectrum disorder.
Today has been a good day. Just one day at a time so far.
So I'm home on leave from hospital finally.
Got to see my precious cats and to find out I've lost my job.
Not a huge surprise as two admissions to mental health hospitals in the past two months kind of makes you a little unreliable.
Doesn't matter that I work for a disability charity and given nearly 20 years of my life to caring for those with learning disabilities and complex mental health issues.
Also the fact that my boss thought a hot kitchen was a safe environment for a known epileptic to work was a tad short sighted.
I have highlighted and blown the whistle on failures in the care system. Especially with in mental health and the severely poor treatment I received in a British Mental Health Facility in the UK where my physical needs were totally disregarded by those in charge of my care.
I will be fully discharged from the service yet again but at least this time I was actually treated with the respect and dignity I deserved this time.
The UK social care as a whole is a complete and utter shambles and feel it necessary to keep bringing it up till it changes
Why Women Cry
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.
"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.
Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"
God said, "When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,
yet gentle enough to give comfort.
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
Author: Unknown
So as most of you know I've recently had an incredibly tough time with mental health.
I was first sectioned under a section 2 which is my family fearing that I was a danger to myself. Now upon looking back I can see how they perceived my political actions as somewhat dangerous.
I fought the system and won. However this triggered a dangerous turn of events that unfortunately I lost control of.
On one side it appeared funny and quirky at first. But the deeper I delved in to my traumatic past the more dangerous it became. I was taking risks with my health and with those around me. I hadn't thought about the impact on my family of my story becoming so public. I maintain I did it for the right reasons. To raise awareness of a little known neurological disorder and how this little girl wants to be a singer one day.
A little girl who at the age of 9 had to grow up to be a woman because of the actions of a real life monster. The demon with yellow eyes that chased me about a boat with a meat cleaver. Kids imaginations eh.
But sadly he is very real and still alive living very close to where I do. Hence the historical sexual abuse case.
The only apology I will make is how I hurt those people who are trying to help me. So for now I'm in hospital resting up. Eventually I will be sipping a sex on the beach with the cast of supernatural or a ride in Baby down route 66 I'm not fussy lol 😉
But for now I'm content being me.....whoever the hell she is today lol 😈💜🤷♀️😇
So today I decided to take a leap of faith and go to the seafront in Weston-Super-Mare.
I was reticent at first but meeting people and just saying hello and chatting was a fantastic boost to my confidence.
I'm making new memories all the time. I wont forget my past but what I can do is use it to drive me forward.
My past is giving me the strength to fight even harder.
I will never stay silent. People will challenge my resolve but that's ok. That speaks volumes about their own insecurities in life not mine.
Everyday is a fight for me. Fighting the physical pain and pushing myself a bit further every day.
I'm determined I will never lose my independence again. But now know when to ask for help.
That's the daily fight all of us have. Knowing when to ask and accept help when its offered to us. We need to be cautious of course because if they're a stranger to you and they are very forward and pushing the help on you we have to question their agenda.
Be kind to yourself. Others will follow your example. I have proven this by using social media to throw light on to subjects that we find distasteful or that makes us angry.
I have people daily say I'm a beautiful kind soul. And that means more to me than any song lyrics or piece of art could ever do.
Live your truth and you become a beacon to others.
Today I've seen my brother. Someone I met whilst in hospital. He is doing so well and I'm so proud of him.
I've been to see my social worker who is really pleased with my progress. But has reminded me to be kind to myself.
I'm still learning what I can and cannot do.
The anger I had for my family has turned in to sadness. Sadness that they've listened to an abusive man and not their own daughter. Ive said some horrible things but so have they.
I do hope that they find it in their hearts to really listen to me and understand that our family is so badly broken.
I will never give up hope. They're my family. But until they accept help then we cannot have a relationship.
For now I'm enjoying being single again. Enjoying the freedom to choose what I want to do.
I've started legal investigations in to the care I received in hospital. I hope that by sharing my experience that others will benefit from it.
Small steps lead to giant leaps. People who know me say how well I'm looking which is a huge boost to my confidence.
I know I'm living my truth. The path isn't easy and sometimes we have to do it alone. But I have faith in myself. Faith in the fact I'm doing what's best for me.
So for the first time in 13 years I'm getting control back of my own future.
I'm making great friends all the time on Facebook and using it for what I consider is the right thing.
Raising awareness and supporting our friends and family.
I am also using this platform to promote my friends small businesses. Hoping that they will expand and become successful.
I'm hoping that by doing this we can take control away from big business and banks.
I think it's disgusting that banks charge you to put your own money in an account.
The charges are extortionate at times. I'm going to be switching from my bank. I'm also going on price comparison sites to shop around and save money.
The only way big business and government representatives are going to learn is by us taking back control from them.
I am not afraid of the authorities as I've done nothing illegal. Calling out these businesses is very important. As consumers we have the power not them.
Now most of us are outraged about domestic violence.
But how many people are outraged by psychological abuse?
I suffered for 13 years at the hands of someone who I thought loved me and I changed my life to suit him.
Why did I do this?
Low self esteem. Being bullied. Being sexually abused.
I found out a month before we were married that he had been unfaithful online.
Did he physically cheat? No he did far worse. He made me question my on sanity.
I listened to people telling me he was such a good man dont push him away.
Now the reverse its what's true. He never deserved to have me in his life.
Does it hurt? All the time.
I've lost my family because of his actions.
But on the positive side. I'm free. Free to be the person people love and want to be around.
To me that's the greatest thing to come out of my life. Other human beings and their stories.
Now as you are aware my family sectioned me because of my use of social media.
Well today has been the turning point for me.
I've finally started telling local people who know me what my family did to me.
I told my neighbour. My landlord and a lady in my local shop. These people asked how I was feeling after my recent hospital stay.
Well to see the sheer look of disgust in their eyes has validated for me that I'm doing the right thing.
I'm fighting and fighting hard. But I'm not alone anymore. I'm gaining support via Twitter very quickly.
I just hope that supporting each other we can exert more pressure on the system to actually effect change.
My poetry. I wrote this before my ex boyfriend took his own life. We wanted to set this to music. But never had the time. 😭
The Dream
All alone I sit wondering when my life will change.Endless circles, it all seems strange. I hope for a ray of light to take me out of the dark. Along came you and it all begins to start.
Buts its a dream a figment of my imagination. Still I hope that you will come and give me the spark or ignition. To light a fire to burn inside for eternity. But all thats here in the dark is me.
All alone I stand watching the world pass by my window. Wondering where you are, listening to the wind blow. Your perfect in every way but your still a dream. But maybe if I pray enough one day you will be seen.
All alone I walk along a stream and your still in my thoughts. I stop a while and look and suddenly my heart beat stops. There you are my angel, my guide, my soul mate. All the darkness the lonliness has stopped and finally I am awake.
Its pretty simple. I'm pissed off and angry at a system that has failed me my whole life.
The NHS failed me since birth and still is now.
Social services have let my family and myself down twice.
Once when I was sexually abused. The second time was my section.
My family let me down when they panicked and sectioned me because they perceived my actions as being dangerous to myself.
The government have let me down because I'm disabled and mentally unwell.
So my true motive is to inspire just one person to take action. To stand up and fight. And above all to never back down.
That's it. Do I want fame? YES. Do I want fortune?YES
What I truly desire. To have a peaceful stress free life.
I'm trying to turn my anger in to fighting. And I'm finally succeeding.
So just do what I do. Be the best you can be. Screw the haters. They're just scared.
Love yourself. And tell yourself you ARE good enough. You ARE enough and you will ALWAYS be enough. Every single day.
Having talked it over with my cousin it's clear now why my family sectioned me.
They panicked. They thought I had lost control. In a way I had. I lost control to their ideals of who they wanted me to be. And they perceived my actions on social media as dangerous.
Instead of talking to me properly. They yelled and shouted at me. Told me I'm psychotic, that I'm a monster. That I'm delusional with a God complex. Oh and the best one by far. A complete stranger to them.
What they should have done is actually listened to their daughter/wife/sister and realised I needed them to stop putting their issues on to me.
But sadly 95% of families will do the same because they lack the knowledge of what mental health truly is. I feel sad for them. Because they've lost me from their lives.
They could just apologise. But knowing my family and husband that's never going to happen. So I've done what any level headed sensible person would do. Cut ties and move on. It's tough.
But sometimes we have to show people that we are strong with or without them. I'm angry with them and I'm not sure like most of us how long that anger will last. But I'll just keep doing things that make me feel good.
Helping others to make positive steps themselves.
Pointing out that the world and politics is broken.
And above all fighting the system in the UK. I will never back down or stop shouting.
I realised today that my post about mainstream media was just sheer frustration.
Frustration at a world that doesn't want to listen.
I hope that my story gives people hope to keep fighting.
Hope to eventually believe in themselves enough that if and when they shout loud enough and fight hard enough it will effect change one day.
I want people to be properly educated about Diabetes as a whole.
What I hate is that the NHS have demonised type 2. 10% like me have several risk factors. High family incidence of it. Heavy steroid use to keep my asthma under control. The professor I saw at southmead said I was incredibly young to have it in my early 30's.
I even took part on the NHS request in something called The Priba study. This particular study was monitoring people like me on GLP-1's like Victoza.
It's now in the pipeline to hopefully be used for weightloss instead of surgery. I lost over 3 stone when I was on the trial. Then I was switched to insulin so we could try for a baby and the weight piled back on and a further 2 stone. Even though my diet etc hadn't changed.
People love to point and laugh at obese people. It sickens me.
Don't judge people when they're obese. You have absolutely no idea why they are. People just point and ridicule.
Stop and teach children a healthier life style. Stop using mainstream media ideals as something for you or your children to aspire to be.
Stop listening to mainstream media about diabetes and causes of obesity.
People like myself have been used as examples of not what to do.
Just stop. FULL STOP!!
Suicide rates are going up because of mainstream media agendas. Bought and paid for by governments who want to make people like me a convenient scapegoat.
Today on my daily ride around the park I saw a baby who's only just found his feet. His mother was holding on to his hood.
He was so interested in myself and my scooter he kept coming to say hello. He was smiling holding my hand and just generally interacting.
His mother was lovely but she told me in a few words that shes not English. To me that's completely irrelevant. Her son was showing us adults that language doesn't matter.
Young children are experts in reading body language and facial expression.
We teach our children to fear strangers. I agree teach them to be wary. But dont make them so scared that they only communicate through social media or texting apps.
This has given a platform for bullies to attack people 24/7.
Which in turn has led to a rise in the rate of young people committing suicide.
When I was bullied at least I could escape to my home.
Children today with social media and smart phones have no escape at all.
Parents need to be more vigilant in regards to access to social media and texting apps.
Dont suffocate your kids but make proper boundaries.
Parents these days just give children technology to give them peace to carry on with tasks they have to do.
Parents need to make time for interacting properly with their children. Take them to the park. Read a story with them.
The statistics are alarming. We have a generation of children who cannot converse properly but its little wonder when all I see is mums on the bus paying more attention to their phones than their children.
The other thing I've noticed in the park. Parents pushing their children in prams and smoking at the same time.
That's an extremely selfish and feckless thing to do. It just shows that their addiction is more important to them than their own children. I find that behaviour abhorrent. People like that dont deserve children if they play Russian roulette with their children's lives like that. As a person who cant have children I would quite happily tell them how stupid they truly are and dont deserve to have children.
So theres my thoughts on my observations today.
So after fighting for the last few weeks to raise awareness about how I got treated by the system I'm now sitting back.
It's quite clear to me one persons experiences mean absolutely nothing to anyone apart from those who truly love you. Sometimes it doesn't even matter to blood family as I've discovered myself.
My conclusion is this. One voice doesn't really matter. You get treated as a nut case or deranged or all the other derogatory terms people use for mental health issues.
When it's a celebrity everyone rallies around saying how sad it is.
But when its someone ordinary like me, my voice, my story and my struggles mean nothing to anyone.
So now I'm going to stop.
It's getting me absolutely nowhere.
So I'm going to do what we all do. Carry on with my life pretending this doesn't happen to ordinary people.
It only happens in TV shows or on the news. Or to celebrities who are such brave warriors.
Well heres me flipping the world my middle finger and carrying on with my life.
Thank you world for making me feel so insignificant that I'm giving up using my voice and my vote and whatever else is needed to stand up for what I believe in.
My husband had his hours cut some months ago. Hes on minimum wage.
I was working 20 hours a week but I'm no longer able physically and mentally to do so. I'm currently signed off work.
I get statutory sick pay and my personal independence payment of just £80 a week.
I needed a new phone and clothes as I had none of my own clothes in hospital and my mobile was broken.
I'm currently sat in a two bedroom flat that we cant even afford to heat.
This is the reality of Tory Britain today.
I've been out to my local park again today.
I stopped and talked to a wonderful man. He told me about all his travels and his past and his family.
We spoke for about 20 minutes or so. Shook hands and went on with our day.
Now the one thing I've realised is this. I've turned in to the one person I've despised these past few years. My mother. I've allowed my family to baby me. To try and wrap me up in cotton wool. To smother me with their Hope's and dreams for me.
I love Weston-Super-Mare it's my home and I have so many wonderful friends here.
But I need a break from home. I need to travel on my own. I've done it before and long so much to have those good times again. Exploring the world by myself. Then share those experiences with friends and family.
But I have to do it in a sensible manner. Taking in to account my physical disability. My physical health and my mental health.
I will get there and I've got so much time ahead of me. My new friend from the park reminded me that I'm still young enough to spread my wings and fly as far as my dreams will take me.
The only regret I have is I've allowed my mother to stop me.
It's not her fault. My grandparents made her so dependent on them. That's why shes never really grieved for them and moved on.
It's truly sad to see her give up on her Hope's and dreams because her parents are no longer here.
Mine are and this is my opportunity to show them properly what their daughter is truly capable of. Great things. And on the flipside so angry at what shes had to endure through her life and still has to endure.
However I know they're truly proud. I've seen the pride when they've seen me work as a bluecoat in Norfolk. And every time I've had a solo at a concert. I know they admire me. They just need to really show me. Not lock me away from the world so I cant fly high.
I dont doubt for one minute they love me. But what they did out of love has hurt me so deeply that they need to win back my trust.
The same goes for my sister. And the man I adore and always have done.
All I can do is live in hope. Live in hope that my family want to win my trust back in them.
Betrayal comes in many forms.
My husband cheated on me 4 times yet I took him back.
My mother wants me not to go through with the criminal investigation of the abuse I suffered and social services failing my family and myself.
My husband not giving me answers about where I was and for how long for when I was sectioned.
And the ultimate betrayal my sister and the nurse in charge talking about my mental state right in front of me.
My patient confidentiality was non existent when I was in the unit itself as was other patients. Doors left open whilst talking about other peoples care. Having personal conversations about their private lives in front of patients and being told that them talking over me and having an opinion of me was justified.
They constantly talked about personal space yet rejected my need of personal space.
Had they actually talked to me like a human being the need for sedation and restraint would never have been necessary.
Had they respected the fact that I live in tremendous pain all day and night maybe they might have treated me with more respect.
But as was pointed out several times. My medical and physical needs were not they're concern.
I'm still so very angry about how I've been treated. And they wonder why I've needed so much therapy over the years.
My family love to point out I need help all the time. So what are they doing to get themselves help?
Absolutely F**k all.
So I've started having flashbacks to the night I was sectioned.
It's only fragments of time. I remember having a shower and hearing what I thought was my husband talking to my GP and my GP saying she thought I was trying to send everyone a message. Then another phrase about how I shouldnt have been told by another doctor that I could be a poster child or an example to others.
I also remember someone saying to me how sad it is not to be in touch with my childhood best friend and how alone I would feel.
I've been told I was in Swindon for 3 days yet I distinctly felt that we hadn't travelled far enough or been in the van long enough. But I didn't have my glasses on.
I remember saying I was afraid that people would think I'm racist.
I also remember paramedics coming in to my room and asking me to drink fluids which I did do.
I also remember my husband just sat in the lounge ignoring my requests for him to speak to me and explain what was happening.
The last memory I have is someone saying that one day I would understand what this whole thing has been about and why it needed to happen. The world would understand too.
The more memory's that start coming back. The less I trust my family and husband.
I'm writing this down so I can maybe one day put the puzzle back together.
So my orthopaedic appointment went well. They're finally treating me as a whole not a diagnosis. Finally doing my own research has finally started to pay off.
Now for my biggest fight yet. My mental health discharge meeting.
I'm not scared. I'm full of strength to drive home who I am and that my family have no idea who that person is.
I'm hoping one day that they'll realise I'm being the person I've known I can be without their drama.
I feel so empowered and in complete control of my own care. It's taken too many years to get here. A failed marriage. And cutting out the family I do actually love unconditionally.
I'm still grieving for the loss of a family who I thought really knew me and supported me. But sadly that's never been the case.
But I will never stop pushing the system in the UK to support myself and other disabled and mentally unwell people properly in the community, and in hospitals. Maybe my case might actually wake up the NHS to actually treat the person as a whole. But I'm not optimistic that the change will ever happen in the real world. But I'll keep hoping that it will one day.
So today I got up late due to lack of sleep.
Well I decided today was the day for me to re engage in the outside world so I went to Clarence Park in Weston-Super-Mare. It was lovely just to get fresh air.
A few people stopped to say hello which was unnerving at first but after getting over my nerves I loved saying hello to strangers.
It's only now after getting home that what my family have done to me made me so scared to leave my own flat.
Ive never been afraid to be around people. But with my anxiety disorder I've slowly withdrawn from big crowds of people.
Today has proved to me theres nothing to be afraid of as long as I know I can leave when I feel overwhelmed by people in my space.
My CBT was so worth it. My coping strategies are actually working well. Fresh air. Nature and my music playlist.
Onwards and upwards. Today has been the best day for me in over 3 weeks.
Something I realised last night. The woman who gave birth to me and the mother I had growing up isn't here anymore. The strong willed , determined and stubborn woman has disappeared.
But I've realised I am now the woman I want to be. Strong willed , determined and stubborn.
My mother needs alot of mental health support. I do hope that one day she actually tries to help herself. Until then the mother I knew has gone.
It's so very sad that shes chosen to use her own daughter as a scapegoat for her own inadequacies. But she'll realise that shes the one making herself lonely. Shes already lost me. It wont be long till she loses everyone else. I actually do feel sorry for her in a way.
They think I'll be lonely. Not true. I have the greatest network of people I could ever ask for. So in a way I'm the winner in this situation. And that makes me happy to know.
Today I'm grateful for what I have. Love from people without condition. That's a fantastic place to be.
Well today's been tough. I'm still so very angry and bitter at my husband for letting me down. Lying and cheating to stop me using social media.
I'm still in the same small flat as him but feel so very trapped.
He wont leave until the weekend so I'm just stuck in my room. Scared to do anything incase it upsets him.
Its 2 am but afraid to wake him as I cant deal with another confrontation.
Tomorrow I've got plans to get out of here when hes at work. Escape the negative memories I now have of the place I once called home.
I'm truly homeless now in a way. No family I can trust.
I'm truly feeling lonely tonight. Now more than ever.
No one should have to live like this. Ever.
So today my husband I have taken a positive step forward. I asked for his help and he responded straight away with out hesitation.
Now I cant make the man I love see that actions are far more important than words and I've stopped fighting.
I've started to ask for help when I truly needed it and my beautiful man responded without question or moaning.
I've stopped asking him if he is ok now. And now home life is far more peaceful for both of us.
If we truly get back the love we have for each other then the outlook for us is actually pretty good.
He has to work on himself. Learn to use his voice properly. He may have a stammer but I've always understood who is inside. That's the person I fell in love with.
Tomorrow I'm going to actually go out to my local park. Take a picnic and my music and maybe even go live on Facebook or post a video to you tube.
I'm finally taking control back piece by piece. And that's the best drug ever.
Now this is a big word with a complex meaning.
Being in hospital long term makes you in to a drone.
Staff tell you when to eat. What personal care you need and when. When to take your meds. How you should behave etc.
Now the upside is its gives you a sense of a normal routine.
However negativity speaking it doesn't actually help you to cope in the outside world.
Over the past few days I've had to readjust my pattern to suit my body. Incidentally the same pattern I've always had.
Yes I'm doing laundry at 11pm so what. That's what my body says is fine.
Who am I truly hurting by doing these things when I feel the need to.
Stopping someone without good reason is actually mentally damaging to them.
You start to question your own sanity when people care too much and smother you.
Heres an idea for us all. Just try to at least relate to what that person might be thinking and feeling.
Who knows we might be able to stop people like me being admitted to hospital and taking up a bed and costing money to the tax payer?
I know a radical idea or is it really?
Look up Beaven and Beveridge on Google. You might actually be surprised to find out what the NHS was founded on and our whole welfare system in the UK.
That's my challenge to the world. Educate yourselves properly before spouting absolute nonsense 😉
I've had days to think about this and have come to a simple conclusion.
The seed of self doubt about my actions was firmly planted by my so called sister.
The day directly after I took to social media to stage my protest this triggered a domino effect.
I rang my parents to warn them that there could be repercussions of my actions.
This sparked their concern in to overdrive. My husband just chose to ignore the warnings and wrote me off as mentally ill.
He in turn allowed my sister in to my own house so she could verbally challenge me about my mental state. Anger erupted as I pushed back at her assumption of my motives and my mental health state.
This led me to trying to remove her from my house. I actually threatened her with the police and followed through and she was removed from my house.
Now she and my husband gave statements to the police quite obviously about my mental health state.
My husband then involves my GP saying I'd not taken my meda. He has no idea on what my meds actually are and what they are for.
Some months ago my mental health nurse, GP and pharmacist came up with a plan so I could keep track of my meds. I get a weekly pack that runs from Wednesday till a Tuesday.
If everyone had actually just checked my meds and cross referenced they would have seen that I have never stopped taking my meds.
Yet again the system and ultimately my family jumping to unfounded conclusions.
The picture is very messy but piecing events together I'm starting to see that this has all been about a power struggle by my family and husband.
Why? Because in some warped sense they thought I was in immediate danger.
I can never forgive them for the utter distrustful nature of my family. That damage can never be repaired.
So my family are convinced I'm delusional. Well if that means seeing the world for what it truly is delusional then hell yes I am.
I've pulled away from mainstream media and have absolutely no interest in politics or raising awareness of anything unless it directly affects myself or those close to me.
Is it selfish? Maybe but we all should only take on battles with others that we truly understand.
Now I'm going to preach now. One voice is all it takes to protest. If you shout loud enough people will join you in your fight.
Charity most certainly begins at home. The home you personally inhabit.
On the other hand we must not fall in to the trap of turning away from something that's distasteful or disturbing. However putting horrendous pictures on social media is counterproductive and actually turns people away from the cause your fighting.
Reach out in other ways. Use social media for good. I've been guilty of running people down on social media and its actually bullying. So I've just cut ties with those negative people.
My advice don't like what someone's point of view is that's ok. But debate healthily. And then agree to disagree.
Shouting at people achieves nothing and actually in turn you've lost the debate by your own actions.
My Dad once told me this. You have 2 eyes 2 ears and one mouth. Use them in that ratio.
In other words look listen then speak. If we all did this we could actually achieve so much more as humans. We have so much potential for good. But also so much potential to be destructive.
Look to history to see what we've achieved good and bad. Let's raise a generation of explorers, peace keepers and above all educators. We need these people.
Listen to the experts. They have the knowledge and love to share it. I've learnt so much by listening to them and educating myself better.
Ask yourself this. Why do governments put so little money in to education?
My answer. Educated people are dangerous to them because we question their true motives. We are harder to control and that scares them.
We kid ourselves in to thinking we live in a democracy. We certainly do not.
Mainstream media is bought and paid for by governments and used to sell propaganda.
My advice do what I did. Research for yourself. You might just be surprised by what's actually going on.
Only you have control of what you believe in. And no one has any right to push their beliefs on to you ever.
Your truth gives you the power to stand up and shout and fight.
That's your job to do and no one else's
So the biggest question we all ask what is addiction?
Theres not a simple answer but what I do know is its NOT a disease.
It's a conscious choice where a person uses something to escape the real world and the emotions that comes with it.
I've been addicted to tobacco caffeine and food. But the hardest one of all is giving up trying to change others so they lead a happier life.
Addiction is just an emotional attachment as well as the physical dependency. I've proven that we have control and always have but it's easier to blame others and rely on addiction as an emotional crutch.
I tried to kick too many addictions at once and I failed. The biggest addiction I've given up is helping others before myself.
This is the hardest addiction and battle I'm ever going to fight. Because my mental health tells me that if I try to be what others want me to be I'm losing the one thing I love about me. My compassion.
My passion is to support others to be positive about themselves. I need to stop and listen to myself. Then I can truly be the person I've always wanted to be.
And the ultimate goal for me. Is being content in knowing I'm enough. I will always be enough for me. It's called inner peace and strength.
It's not selfish. It's not ego. People will tell you this because they really hate what they are. And that's why they will try to change you.
I've actually put a stop to these people. The hardest thing for me is stopping my family from changing me in to the villain and the victim.
I've started to gain inner peace. And that isn't an addiction. Its loving yourself first.
Life is meant to be tough. But with strength and inner peace we can truly face everything life throws at us.
Self pity as people call it is selfishness. Its stopping others from truly helping you to find your strength.
I just tell myself daily that each day is a blank page to be written on in the book of our lives. We are the author of that book.
So I've eluded to the abuse I went through in my early years.
Well the events of the past few weeks have just reinforced to me how important it is that I stand tall and follow this through.
My family and I were terribly let down by Bristol Social services 30 years ago.
My only motive for pursuing it now is to raise awareness in the failings in the system all those years ago.
Lessons need to be learned. And if my story starts a snowball effect then I'm so pleased.
My family and I suffered too long in silence. The elephant in the room.
My mother has chosen to make me the villan by telling others that I blame her. Nothing is further from the truth.
I cannot absolve my parents of the guilt they feel. But they have to stop looking to me for forgiveness.
In my mind there is nothing to forgive. They're victims just as much as myself and my sister.
One day I hope they can forgive themselves and find peace.
I also hope that my sister can see that love doesn't mean making decisions on my behalf when she knows nothing of my daily struggle.
But that's her cross to bear and she needs to reevaluate her life and where she factors in to my journey and path.
Sometimes things happen for a reason. I believe this is a wake up call for me to stop trying to help out in my families drama.
That's their drama not mine and by finally putting my foot down im achieving true inner peace with myself.
It's taken 30 years but I've managed it.
It will be a daily battle to keep strong and not give in to their demands. But I'm strong enough to do this. I have always been strong enough. I just had my faith in myself stripped away by life itself.
I'm a warrior and I shall battle on with those who truly believe in me !!!
So with all the trials I've had this day alone I've finally made headway.
My husband and I have agreed to a trial separation.
My sister has been so nasty and manipulative I don't even know who she is anymore. She messaged some of my Facebook friends saying I'm psychotic.
Now psychosis is a mental health disorder that means I have no mental capacity and I'm a danger to myself.
The more my family push me the closer to the edge they drive me. So I've had to cut them out completely for now.
I've tried to mend the bridges that didn't work. I tried to get them to stay away. But they just cant help themselves. They are toxic by trying to push me in the direction they want me to go in.
My husband and I have actually agreed that the best thing for me right now is for me to concentrate on myself now. Then when I'm emotionally ready to cope then maybe I might let them back in very slowly.
You see family isn't blood. That's just DNA. I have all the family I need right now and they've given me the strength to stand up to my blood family.
I will not be manipulated by their own insecurities and mental health issues. And above all not the drama in their own lives.
I'm finally learning to say NO. STOP. STAY AWAY. And it's so empowering. Finally I'm the most important person to me.
That's a giant leap forward for me.
We are all familiar with the model of the five stages of grief.
(1) DENILE
(2) ANGER
(3) BARGAINING
(4) DEPRESSION
(5) ACCEPTANCE
Well I'm in the inbetween stage of 4 and 5
Today so far has been such a rollercoaster ride I actually have no clue which way is up.
So to steady myself I've gone back to the coping mechanisms I used in the mental health unit when I got overwhelmed. I shut out the stimulus using music and sitting in the garden away from others.
This technique really works for me and gives a clear signal to those around me that I'm not prepared to engage until I'm calmer.
I've done this at home and so far so good.Unfortunately though I also spent time crying. Crying for the family I have to let go so I can follow my own true path.
I'm hoping one day they might join me without judgement. But they've got their own grief to deal with over what's been done to me throughout my life and especially in the last few weeks.
My husband is moving away which is actually a good thing for both of us as I need space away from the chains of my old life.
Im not closing the door. Just inviting them to heal themselves first before trying to help me. I've got this. I always did. And I always will. I just lost sight of myself to help others on their path in life.
Sometimes it's good to just walk alone for a while. Gives your mind clarity so you can re engage with those who love you without condition.
So heres how my life has gone so far.
I was born with clubbed feet. Now they usually correct them with surgery but due to a family history of arthritis they decided against surgery.
I was also diagnosed at an early age with hypermobility syndrome.
Throughout my teenage years I dislocated my shoulders several times due to the hypermobility syndrome.
Meanwhile I had 2 severe seizures. These were investigated but was deemed to be normal.
I had severe issues with my mouth and teeth which led to having many teeth removed and braces in preparation for major reconstruction surgery on my jaw. This never happened fortunately as they said the risks to my health outweighed the benefits.
When I was 21 I was diagnosed with a degenerative eye condition called Keratoconus. I was devastated as at the time I had no idea what it was.
In 2009 I started having seizures. 9 in one week. After many tests they found I have Generalised secondary epilepsy. Which I still don't really understand how it affects me. I have all types of seizures. My memory is not always great and I forget if I've told someone something. I just tell people to remind me if I've already told them. I don't take offence if they do.
In my early 30's I started to experience major knee problems. After over a year of fighting. I actually got the diagnosis of osteoarthritis. I was angry because the consultant at the time just kept dismissing me out of hand as the xrays looked normal. After begging a registrar of the same consultant he did a weight bearing xray. Well I had so many apologies from them as they could clearly see how much damage had been done. I was at stage 4 which is bone on bone.
Now as you can imagine this led to me losing faith in doctors. I've had several severe asthma attacks due to ignoring the symptoms as I felt like I was wasting the doctors time.
After my knee diagnosis. My other knee started to go the same way. This has happened so rapidly that my mind as you can imagine was in a tail spin. I've had an operation to smooth out the bones but unfortunately it didn't really help. Injections have been tried also and that doesn't help either.
When I was 36 I was diagnosed with early onset type 2 diabetes. So I went on a clinical trial for a particular drug. Its brilliant I lost over three stone and almost went in to remission.
Now yes I'm overweight but I cant exercise too much because I've pain. So after talking to consultants and GPs I went forward for weight loss surgery. It's a tough process to go through. I've lost over 9 stone in all but they've never put me on the waiting list due to my mental health state.
Now my mental health is complicated. I have an OCD condition called Dermatollamania. I also have anxiety disorder and depression. All of which are trauma related in one way or another. Put incredible pain on top of that and my life is a living hell.
Recently a friend of mine pointed out to me that all my symptoms could be related to something called Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. This is a genetic connective tissue disorder.
I'm waiting now to see a rheumatologist who I hope will shed light on what's actually wrong with my body.
I'm tired all the time. Its fatigue which is more than just lack of sleep. I'm in pain constantly but pain killers make my life bearable at least.
I have endometriosis and polycystic ovaries too. I've had several cysts and one ruptured and caused an infection which necessitated a hospital stay. I am still having major issues even though I've got a coil fitted and on hormones too to stop the pain. They've pretty much said that I wont have kids. But I'm ok with that now. Especially as I could be a carrier of a genetic disease.
Very recently I've had corneal surgery which hasn't healed like they hoped. They want to do my other eye but due to the complications of the last surgery they are just going to wait.
So that leads me up to where my family sectioned me for erratic behaviour. I'm still kicking butt and taking names until this and my body is actually truly looked after.
The failure started a long time ago and the dots have only recently been connected by myself my eye consultant and my GP.
I do hope to get a formal diagnosis as this would give me some closure and peace of mind. And prove to the world I'm not making it up. Or seeking attention.
Ok well some of you may have read my last blog about my mental health and disability. Well alot has happened. So let me take you back to the beginning.
At 9 years old my wonderful parents did a selfless thing and offered a child a loving home. Unfortunately he was very troubled. He was a sexual predator. He preyed upon myself and my little sister in ways you can only imagine.
My little sister of 6 years old spoke out to my mother. Well as you can imagine this caused so much upheaval for all of us. Social services removed him immediately as he admitted to the abuse. Social services wanted my parents to consent to us being examined by a police surgeon but my parents felt that we had been through enough. Social services then left us high and dry. It was later disclosed that there had been allegations that he had done this before.
Skip forward a few years. At age 11 I received child counselling which was not very helpful for me as I was unwilling to engage and open up.
I was severely bullied at school and opened up to a friend about what truly happened to me. The next day I went to school everyone knew. I was called a whore a cock tease and many other things. The worst thing was someone told me I deserved it and I should die.
This led eventually to me taking an overdose at 13. I was put in a unit and so called experts told my family I was an attention seeker.
I returned to school where people who taunted me suddenly apologised to me. It was too little too late.
I left school and tried to carry on with my life knowing that at age 9 I was raped.
Fast forward 12 years and I met my husband. I finally faced my fears and had a year of sexual abuse counselling which helped me to come to terms and grieve for my lost childhood.
A few months ago at the age of 39 I found a public enquiry that was looking in to failings in the social services in the UK.
I wrote them an account of what happened and the police have started an investigation.
My parents however are not keen on the idea of opening up old wounds. Myself on the other hand needs to have closure. The investigation is on going at this time.
Now as you can imagine this has taken a very big toll on my mental health for which I have saught therapy and CBT which has given me the tools to cope.
Now recently in the past few weeks I got very heavily in to world politics and was very disturbed to find that Neoliberalism was happening right in front of our eyes yet no one connected the dots. I did and took to Twitter and Facebook to open people's eyes to what's truly been happening.
My family decided that I've lost the plot by warning them what I had done.
So they enlisted a mental health crisis team who with my families support sectioned me.
I was removed from my home and dragged to Swindon for assessment. Following that I was moved to the Long Fox unit for observation.
I was so scared I tried to escape twice but was dragged by my arms back to my room. Now these people had no idea about my physical health and disability and completely ignored my requests for them to look in to it.
I became very vocal and for my troubles I had six nurses using pressure point pain techniques to pin me down and heavily sedate me for 24 hours to keep me quiet.
My own family are still against me. Saying they did it out of love. I strongly disagree. Their motives are still not clear. I'm living every day in fear because of their actions.
Thankfully I had the help of a great advocate who gave me the strength to challenge my section which was overturned without a tribunal.
I am now home but none of the people in my immediate family trust me or want to actually re engage with me.
My own mother is so mentally disturbed and deluded herself that she thinks I'm the problem.
So to end this post I will say this Just have faith in yourself. Don't listen to family. Or even some experts. I've been treated as a condition not a whole person. This has to stop as it's very barbaric and actually borderline discrimination of my disabled rights and human rights.
The system is not fit for purpose and the laws and NHS and social services has to change quickly. I was hurt badly in hospital and was in pain for days.
I had to beg for my strong pain relief and actually just gave up asking for help.
My husband initially ignored me and we are just reconnecting now. Our relationship will never be the same as the trust I had in him has gone.
I wont ever trust my close family either as they were complicit in all that's happened to me.
We all have a choice. Stand up and fight. Use your voice. Protest etc. Or we can be cowards like my family and lock away the trouble maker.
I will not tolerate this from anyone anymore!!
