So today I got up late due to lack of sleep.
Well I decided today was the day for me to re engage in the outside world so I went to Clarence Park in Weston-Super-Mare. It was lovely just to get fresh air.
A few people stopped to say hello which was unnerving at first but after getting over my nerves I loved saying hello to strangers.
It's only now after getting home that what my family have done to me made me so scared to leave my own flat.
Ive never been afraid to be around people. But with my anxiety disorder I've slowly withdrawn from big crowds of people.
Today has proved to me theres nothing to be afraid of as long as I know I can leave when I feel overwhelmed by people in my space.
My CBT was so worth it. My coping strategies are actually working well. Fresh air. Nature and my music playlist.
Onwards and upwards. Today has been the best day for me in over 3 weeks.
Something I realised last night. The woman who gave birth to me and the mother I had growing up isn't here anymore. The strong willed , determined and stubborn woman has disappeared.
But I've realised I am now the woman I want to be. Strong willed , determined and stubborn.
My mother needs alot of mental health support. I do hope that one day she actually tries to help herself. Until then the mother I knew has gone.
It's so very sad that shes chosen to use her own daughter as a scapegoat for her own inadequacies. But she'll realise that shes the one making herself lonely. Shes already lost me. It wont be long till she loses everyone else. I actually do feel sorry for her in a way.
They think I'll be lonely. Not true. I have the greatest network of people I could ever ask for. So in a way I'm the winner in this situation. And that makes me happy to know.
Today I'm grateful for what I have. Love from people without condition. That's a fantastic place to be.
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